What drives me?

September 2, 2010

Yesterday I made a decision that I need a change in my life. I need fulfillment, and I’m not getting it on the road that I have been traveling.

The course that I have been following has had the feeling of comfort, but is not really headed in a direction that I have chosen. All of the exit paths seem out of the way, and I don’t know where they lead. Up until now I have remained attached to the road that has chosen me, without considering whether or not I would choose this road if given a choice. It dawned on me that I do have a choice. Any new path will be difficult to traverse, but everything gets easier with experience. I just have to do it.

I’m going to take a detour to see what the scenery looks like. Hopefully I’ll have the discipline to see it through.

So, in keeping with this new path I have resumed my running regimen. I went for a 3 miler this morning and wanted to stop after the first mile. I kept running. I really wanted to stop after the second mile. I kept running. As I got closer to the end I realized that my feet wanted me to stop. My feet told me this through the pain of several blisters. I ignored their argument and kept running. My lungs wanted me to stop. I was breathing heavy and laboring to meet my increasing oxygen needs. I ignored the complaints and leveled my breath. My stomach wanted me to stop. My torso was burning and did not want to continue. I didn’t listen, and kept running. Part of my brain was hearing the complaints from the rest of the body and arguing to, “Please, please, stop and take a break!”.

I never took a break. I made myself continue the run until I reached my destination, my home. When I got inside my blisters were shouting, my lungs were expanding and contracting vigorously, but my pride was shining. I had successfully overcome the complaints of my body by listening to my mind. Somewhere in my brain I knew that I *could* finish, and so I made it happen.

What is it that carried me through? I think it is pride, which I don’t always consider a good thing. The theme seemed to be “Know your limits; ignore them” – but this is a dangerous notion. I suppose that if I was truly in danger I would have allowed myself to stop, but I don’t know. Today it was beneficial to be stubborn, but that’s not always the case.

I am determined to test a new route, and I have no idea where it will take me. Eyes closed, deep inhale. Deep exhale, eyes open… time to get moving.


One Response to “What drives me?”

  1. Mayra Says:

    Careful with breaking those limits, winding up in the hospital would defeat your purpose. However, new routes bring excitement and learning through discovery, so try them, just remember moderation. I applaud your analysis.

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